drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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