I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
