he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
