Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Its about making memories worth repressing
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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