did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Fuck me I smell like cheese
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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