I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize