Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
