Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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