I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
