We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
