1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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