On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
