My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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