i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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