I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
