Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
