Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
