i just wanna soil my oats bro
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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