fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
