Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Randomize