I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
