STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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