everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
