Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
God I need to hump something, right now.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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