remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Randomize
