a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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