You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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