Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
