she was so not down for the gang bang
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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