Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
