im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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