Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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