I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
