I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
