i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
