I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
