btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
