Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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