mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
