i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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