I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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