i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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