I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
