You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
