I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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