as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
