I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
