you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
false alarm, still single
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
