I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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