I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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