It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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