who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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