i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I puked a lego.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
