Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Randomize
