i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
